zen and life

Anti-War protests

These photos of recent anti-war rallies were kindly sent to us by a loyal reader of all-encompassingly. Thanks!

senator tom daschle announces he's going "tranny"

in the first photo (top), daschle, exasperated, defends himself before viewers of the jerry springer show. reportedly, daschle's mother tricked him into appearing on the show by telling him that president bush had resigned named him the new president. she informed her son that he would be speaking at a celebratory "news conference," though daschle later said, quote, "i was pretty sure she was kidding all along." overcoming his initial shock of being insulted by members of springers' studio audience, daschle admitted that the point of contention between he and his mother is his recent decision to undergo sex change surgery. he made the decision when he met this man, sergio fontana (see photo, bottom), who is, according to daschle, "a beautifully formed italian heartthrob." the picture above is of their first meeting, but future greetings have been much steamier. daschle apparently plans on being the woman in the relationship.

its official: john norris is dumb

you wouldn't guess it from the photo or even from his uneventful reporting on MTV news. it wasn't until he--whoops--opened his mouth and made an editorial comment, that he proved he deserves consideration (along with kofi annan and tom daschle), for the "world's most out-of-touch idiot" award. commenting on the recent dixie chicks faux pas and the reaction, by about 95% of their fans, to stop listening to their music, john (confident he had the moral high ground) remarked sarcastically, "funny, these are the same people that say they believe in 'free speech.'" john. you are an idiot. everyone is entitled to free speech. but not everyone is required to listen to things they dislike. natalie chose to speak freely. america's rednecks have chosen to boycott her. she's just lucky she doesn't live in iraq, where she couldn't get away with her recent comments without swift and unmentionable punishments. do you recognizzzze? you and your hollywood buddies are the ones who have to please the people, the consumers. if you don't, the rednecks will spend their money elsewhere, like at a nascar event or the beer aisle of the local supermarket. john, get in touch with the real america, the one that is patriotic (and smiles occasionally [see picture, above, for how not to smile]. and could you just report the news? don't try to impress us with your eighth-grade insights.

i hereby validate these statements on the cowardly french:

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.
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"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." --Mark Twain
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"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --General George S. Patton
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"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf
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"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." --Marge Simpson
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"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" --Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." --Rush Limbaugh
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"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." --John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
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"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." --Conan O'Brien
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"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" --Jay Leno
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France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France. --Mark Twain
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Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.--Ted Nugent
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I hear the French tank has 14 gears. 13 of them are in reverse. The forward gear is only used when someone attacks from behind.
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War without France would be like...World War II
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Q. How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris?
A. We don't know, it's never been tried.
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The best French bashing line I've heard over the last week is "We can count on the French to be there when they need us."
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On the eve of battle between Germany and France...On the German side the general turns to his aide and says, "Aide, get me my red jacket. In the event that I am wounded, I don't want the men to see me bleeding. I don't want anything to discourage them. I want them to carry on and win this battle." On the French side the general turns to his aide and says, "Aide, get me my brown pants."
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Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
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Q. Why might the French send troops to the Gulf?
A. To teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
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Q. How did the French advertise surplus World War II rifles?
A. "Never fired, only dropped once."
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NEWS BULLETIN:
France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display,that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender. Film at 11.
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SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN FRANCE
March 11, 2003. Today it was reported that severe earthquakes have occurred in 10 different locations in France. The severity was measured in excess of 10 on the Richter Scale. The cause was the 56,681 dead American soldiers buried in French soil rolling over in their graves. According to the American Battle Monuments Commission there are 26,255 Yankee dead from World War I buried in 4 cemeteries in France. There are 30,426 American dead from World War II buried in 6 cemeteries in France. These 56,681 brave American heroes died in their youth to liberate a country which is guilty of shameful unspeakable behavior in the 21st century. May the United States of America never forget their sacrificeas we find ways to forcefully deal with the Godforsaken unappreciative, forgetful country of France!

UPI reports on the impotence of France:

LISBON, Portugal, March 10 (UPI) -- Portugal is siding with the United States on Iraq because Washington was "Portugal's best way to ensure national security," a Portuguese Cabinet minister said Monday.

Foreign Minister Antonio Martins da Cruz told state radio that if Portugal were attacked, "it would be unlikely France and Germany would come to our rescue."

He said: "Let us suppose Portugal, proper or its archipelagos, faced a threat, who would come to our rescue? The European Commission, France, Germany?"I think it would be NATO who would come to our rescue, in other words, it would be the U.S., no one else would defend us.

For instance, during the 1996 mission in Bosnia, operations took place with the support of 20 satellites, of which only one was European," and the remainder belonged to the U.S.

"If we were attacked, is that what they would offer to defend us? How curious is this: in Bosnia, when we were called to send soldiers urgently to that region, the U.S. had C-17 and C-130 planes, and France leased ferry boats, which during the summer are employed in tourist services to Corsica."Is this how we are supposed to project our forces in Europe? Are they planning to defend us with ferry boats? I cannot envisage the European Commission protecting us from an attack in which highly developed weapons were employed," the foreign minister said.

i watched "monty python and the holy grail" last night with some friends. is it just me, or does the ultra-crass frenchman hurling insults, lies, and projectiles from the french castle and then castle aarrrggh symbolize all the french people, and specifically jaques chirac, the worm himself? the frenchman in the movie is easy to recognize as a coward, because he is hiding behind a physical wall of stone. chirac, though is just as much a coward as the ill-bred, witless movie character. he is hiding behind dishonest diplomacy and stinky french cheese. i mean, would it even sound odd if chirac used an exact quote from the castle of aarrrggh scene when he addressed president bush or prime minister blair?

FRENCH GUARD: Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time! How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters. No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms! Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha! And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt! [taunting] ...Dappy!...Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...

maybe the real world powers, the US and Britain should appease the french. yeah. let's forget the quest for the holy grail for a while. instead, lets bomb the castle aarrrggh.

funny defense of Iraqi "security guards"

Another interesting item from Reuters related that the U.S. has kicked out two members of Iraq's U.N. mission:

The men were identified as Nazih Abdullatif Rahman and Yehia Naeem Suaoud and were asked to leave by midnight on Friday for conducting activities outside of their official duties, a term that usually but not always indicates spying.

The Iraqi Ambassador's humorous explanation was:

"They (U.S. officials) are always talking about their activities being in contradiction of their diplomatic duties, but they are inside the mission all of the time and how do they have the time to do this?" Aldouri told Reuters.

On a related note, Iraq is trying to figure out how U.S. military planners are preparing for a war with Iraq if they are always inside the Pentagon. "How do they have time to do this?"

say what?

Islamic Summit Rocked as Iraq Slams Kuwait

DOHA, Qatar (Reuters) - Bitter enmity between Iraq and Kuwait erupted in a vitriolic name-calling match on Wednesday at an Islamic summit meant to unite the voices of the world's one billion Muslims against war.

In a clash caught on live television before the Qatar state broadcaster shut down transmission, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's top aide Izzat Ibrahim departed from his text to zero in on the Kuwaitis sitting across the conference chamber.

"Shut up you minion, you (U.S.) agent, you monkey. You are addressing Iraq," Ibrahim said. "You are insolent. You are a traitor to the Islamic nation," he spat out as Qatar's Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani tried to shut him up.

A Kuwaiti delegate responded that the insults were "the words of an infidel and a charlatan," as the two sides shouted and gesticulated angrily at each other.

Personal hygiene, terrorist style

Since September 11, 2001 President Bush has told the world that "America will not rest until justice is done." Unfortunatly, the terrorists have also apparently made post 9-11 resolutions. Judging from photos, their pledges are bit more odd...

Richard Reid



"I will not shave.....ever....."

Osama bin Laden



"I will pick my nose with my right...........and give high fives with my left."

And in related news, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed was captured in the midst of what appears to have been an 18 month-long shower strike

weddings are crazy

i wish i could avoid all weddings. i have been too close to a couple of them and i have decided that i do not like weddings at all. there is too much formality and sentimentality and schedule-keeping involved. the depressing thought (for me) is that very few of my friends are married, and most of them, if not all, will eventually get married. i will am doomed to be a guest at many more weddings. it is a scary thought. help me, trumpy.

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